Chiseling
at Shadows: The Futility of Fixing
Others.
By Williams Patrick Praise
The
romantic imagination is often fuelled by the myth of the "project."
We enter relationships not just with a person, but with a vision of who that
person 'could ‘be if they only polished their rougher edges. It is a common
human impulse to believe that love is a transformative kiln, capable of baking
a partner’s flaws into virtues. Whether it is a habit of untidiness, a volatile
temper, or a fundamental difference in lifestyle values, many individuals step
into marriages and long-term commitments under the silent assumption that their
influence will act as a catalyst for permanent personality reconstruction.
However, the psychological reality of human nature suggests a more complex
truth: while people can certainly grow, they cannot be "changed" by
another person. The attempt to do so often results in a cycle of resentment, a
loss of authenticity, and the ultimate erosion of the relationship itself.
The
Psychology of the "Project Relationship"
The
desire to change a partner often stems from a mix of idealism and anxiety. In
the early stages of infatuation, known as the "honeymoon phase," the
brain is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin, which can create a "halo
effect." We see our partner’s flaws through a soft-focus lens. We tell
ourselves, "He’s just late because he’s busy; once we’re married, he’ll
prioritize our time," or "She’s only defensive because of her past;
my love will make her feel secure enough to change.
This
mindset shifts the relationship dynamic from one of "partnership"
to one of "pedagogy". One person becomes the
"teacher" or "reformer," and the other becomes the
"student" or "project." This creates an immediate power
imbalance. When we try to change a partner, we essentially communicate that who
they are in the present moment is insufficient. This lack of fundamental
acceptance is the antithesis of intimacy. True intimacy requires being seen and
known—flaws included—and still being chosen. When a partner feels they are a
"work in progress," they often react with either performance-based
anxiety or deep-seated rebellion.
The
Difference Between Growth and Change
To
understand why "changing" someone is so difficult, we must
distinguish between behavioural modification" and **character
transformation
Behavioural
Modification: This involves surface-level shifts. A partner might
start doing the dishes more often or stop using certain phrases because they
know it pleases you. This is often sustainable if it is born out of a desire to
cooperate.
Character
Transformation: This involves shifting core personality traits,
temperaments, and values—things like introversion versus extroversion, risk
tolerance, or fundamental worldviews.
Psychologists
generally agree that personality traits are relatively stable throughout
adulthood. While a person might learn to manage their impulsivity, they
will likely always possess an impulsive spark. The "change" many
people seek in their partners is often a demand for a different personality altogether.
If you marry an adventurous wanderer expecting them to become a homebody, you
are not asking for growth; you are asking for a replacement.
Growth
is an internal process. For real change to occur, the impetus must be intrinsic
If a person changes their behaviour solely to avoid a partner's nagging or to
prevent a breakup, the change is often temporary and performed under duress.
Once the external pressure is removed, or once the individual grows tired of
the performance, they inevitably revert to their baseline.
The
Cost of the Reformer’s Mindset
When
one partner enters a marriage with a "fixer" mentality, it sets the
stage for a specific type of relational toxicity. The "fixer" often
feels a sense of moral superiority, believing they know what is best for the
"fixed." This leads to a pattern of criticism and defensiveness.
1.
Resentment on Both Sides: The reformer becomes frustrated that
their "investment" isn't yielding results, leading to feelings of
being unappreciated or ignored. Meanwhile, the partner being pressured feels
controlled, judged, and perpetually "less than."
2.
The Loss of the Self: The person being "changed" may
eventually lose touch with their own identity. If they spend years trying to
mold themselves into their partner’s ideal, they may wake up one day feeling
like a stranger in their own life. This often leads to a "mid-life"
or "mid-relationship" crisis where the individual snaps back to their
original self with a vengeance.
3.
Communication Breakdown: When every conversation becomes a veiled attempt
at "correction," open and honest communication dies. The partner
being critiqued will start to hide things to avoid the lecture, leading to a
culture of secrecy and mistrust.
The
Role of Influence vs. Control
While
you cannot change your partner, it is a fallacy to say you have no influence
on them. In a healthy relationship, partners naturally influence one another
through a process called "the Michelangelo Phenomenon." This
psychological concept suggests that close partners "sculpt" each
other’s selves. However, there is a crucial caveat: the sculpting only works
when the partner supports the other person’s ideal self, not
their own selfish version of who that person should be.
If
your partner wants to be more organized and you support that goal with
encouragement rather than criticism, you are helping them grow. If you are
trying to force them to be organized because *you* can’t stand a mess, you are
trying to control them. Influence is an invitation; control is a mandate.
Acceptance:
The Radical Alternative
The
most successful marriages and long-term relationships are often built on a
foundation of radical acceptance. This does not mean tolerating abuse,
infidelity, or harmful behaviours. Rather, it means accepting the "package
deal" of the human being in front of you.
Every
person comes with a set of "unsolvable problems." Research by Dr.
John Gottman suggests that roughly 69% of relationship conflicts are
perpetual—they are based on fundamental differences in personality or
lifestyle. Successful couples don't solve these problems by changing each
other; they learn to manage them through humour, compromise, and a degree of
"agreeing to disagree."
Before
deciding to commit to a partner, one must ask: "If this person never
changed a single thing about their personality from this day forward, would I
still want to spend my life with them?" If the answer is no, then the
relationship is built on a foundation of sand. You are in love with a ghost—a
version of them that doesn't exist.
When
Change Is Necessary: Boundaries vs. Ultimatums
There
are, of course, instances where change is a matter of safety and health—such as
addiction, violence, or chronic dishonesty. In these cases,
"accepting" the behaviour is enabling. However, even here, the rule
remains: you cannot change them. You can only set boundaries for
yourself.
A
boundary is not: "You must stop drinking." (That is an attempt
to change them).
A
boundary is: "I will not live in a house where there is active
substance abuse." (That is a decision about your own life). The
partner may choose to change in order to keep the relationship, but the choice
remains theirs. They must value the relationship more than the habit. If they
do not, no amount of pleading or "fixing" from the other side will
bridge the gap.
The
idea that we can change our partners is a comforting illusion because it gives
us a sense of agency over our future happiness. It suggests that if we are just
patient enough, smart enough, or loving enough, we can engineer the perfect
spouse. But human beings are not machines to be recalibrated; they are complex
biological and emotional systems with their own histories, temperaments, and
free wills.
Entering a relationship with the intent to change someone is a recipe for heartbreak. True love is not found in the editing of another person’s soul, but in the brave act of accepting their unedited version. We must trade the "Architect’s Blueprint" for a "Gardener’s Perspective." A gardener does not force a rose to be a lily; they provide the right environment, the right nourishment, and the right space, and then they let the plant grow into its own best version. If you want a different kind of flower, you must find a different garden, rather than spending your life trying to paint the petals of the one you have.
